If you are reading this, your parent is probably ill, and someone has told you, or you have worked out, that they are near the end of their life. You may want to ask them things and not know what, or how, or whether asking is even fair on them.

It usually is. Many people near the end of life are glad to be asked about their lives. What makes it hard is not the questions to ask a dying parent, it is the conditions: little energy, good days and bad days, other people in the room, and your own feelings sitting on top of all of it.

This article is about the conditions as much as the questions. None of it is a list to complete. One good conversation, or one good answer, is enough.

A note before anything else

This is general guidance, not medical or clinical advice. The people caring for your parent, including any palliative care or hospice team, will know far better than any article how much energy they have and what is realistic on a given day. Ask them. If you are in the UK, the NHS has a plain overview of end of life care, and Marie Curie offers practical information and emotional support for families and carers, including a support line.

How to ask when energy is low

Keep sessions short. Ten or fifteen minutes is plenty. Stop while it is still going well, not when they are exhausted. You can always come back.

Pick the time of day carefully. Many people have a better window, often after rest or after medication has settled. Carers and nurses usually know when it is.

One question per visit is a perfectly good plan. Ask it, listen, and let the rest of the visit be ordinary.

Ask questions that can be answered briefly. “What was your mother’s kitchen like?” can be answered in a sentence or in ten minutes, depending on how they feel. Both are fine.

Watch for tiredness and stop without fuss. Closing eyes, shorter answers or a change of subject are signals. “Let’s leave that there for today” is enough.

Let them lead

The single most important thing is that the conversation is theirs. Some people want to talk about their illness and what is happening. Some want to talk about anything but. Some want to sort out practical matters. Some want to tell a particular story, sometimes one you have heard many times.

Follow them. If they want to tell the same story again, let them, and record it this time. If they change the subject, go with it. If they want to sit quietly, sit quietly. The list below is there if you need a starting point, not as an agenda.

It is also fine to ask, plainly: “Would you like to talk about the old days at all, or would you rather not today?” Many people appreciate being asked rather than steered.

Questions to ask a dying parent that are not about death

Most of the questions worth asking are about their life, not its end. They are the same kind of question you might ask any parent, chosen for being easy to answer and easy to stop.

Childhood and home

What is the earliest thing you remember?
What was the house you grew up in like?
Who were you closest to as a child?
What did you do on a summer day?

People

What was your mother like?
What did your father do with his days?
Who was your best friend when you were young?
Who has made you laugh the most in your life?

Their life

What was your first job?
Where is the place you have been happiest?
What are you proud of?
What was the best day you remember?
Is there a story about you that you want us to get right?

What was I like when I was small?
What do you remember about the day I was born?
What do you enjoy about the family now?

Things they want said

Is there anything you want to tell me?
Is there anyone you would like me to pass a message to?
Is there anything you would like us to keep, or do, or remember?

The last three can be asked once, gently, and left. If the answer is “no, not really,” that is a complete answer.

Questions about what they want

Some families need to talk about wishes and practical matters, and some parents want to. If they raise it, follow. If you need to raise it, do so plainly and kindly, and ideally separately from the memory conversations so the two do not get tangled.

What matters most to you right now?
Is there anything worrying you that I can help with?
Is there anything you would like to happen, or not happen?
Who would you like to see?

Formal planning, such as advance care decisions, is best done with their care team, who can explain the options. The questions here are only about understanding what they want.

Recording, simply

If your parent is comfortable with it, a phone recording is the simplest way to keep their voice. Ask first, every time. Put the phone down somewhere out of the way and do not fiddle with it. If they would rather not be recorded, respect that completely and write a few notes afterwards instead.

A few practical points:

Record short clips. A three-minute answer is a complete thing to keep.
Do not worry about quality. Background noise from a ward or a television does not matter much. Their voice will still be there.
Label each recording with the date and the question, the same day.

There is more on settings and placement in the guide to recording a family interview on your phone, though much of it can be ignored here. Simple is better.

If your parent’s memory or thinking is affected by their illness, some of the approaches in questions to ask a parent with dementia may help: asking about the distant past rather than recent events, and never correcting or testing.

When the conversation is difficult

Sometimes a parent wants to talk about something painful: an old conflict, a regret, a part of the family history that was never discussed. You do not have to resolve it. Listening is enough. If you want to understand more about handling that kind of conversation, how to ask about difficult family history covers it in more depth.

Sometimes a parent does not want to talk at all. That is allowed too. It does not mean the relationship has failed or that something has been lost. Being there, talking about the weather, reading aloud or watching something together are all ways of spending time, and none of them needs to produce anything.

It is fine not to get through any of this

You may manage one conversation. You may manage none, because the days are taken up with care, visitors, sleep and the practical work of looking after someone. That is normal and it is enough.

The questions here are an offer, not an obligation. Nothing you do or do not ask changes what your parent has already given you, and much of their story already lives in what you know, what you remember and what other people in the family can tell you later.

If you do want to start, choose one question from the first section, wait for a calm moment, and ask it. Then listen, and let them decide where it goes.