Plenty of people know exactly what they want to ask their dad and have never managed it. The question goes out, the answer comes back in one line, “it was fine,” “we just got on with it,” “not much to say,” and the conversation moves on to the game or the car.

That is not usually a closed door. It is a habit, and often a generational one. Many fathers were never asked about their own lives, so they never practised answering. The questions to ask your dad that work are the ones narrow enough to answer with a story before he has time to decide it is not worth telling.

Below are forty-five of them, grouped by theme, followed by practical notes on the one-line answer and what to do with it.

Questions to ask your dad about his childhood

What was the street you grew up on like? Who lived next door?
What did you do after school when nobody was watching?
What did you get in trouble for most?
What was the best thing you owned as a boy?
Who was the toughest kid you knew, and did you get on?
What did your family do on a Sunday?
What were you scared of?
Was there a place you went to be on your own?

The follow-up that unlocks childhood questions is “Show me where.” If you are near the place, go. If not, ask him to sketch it on paper. Men who will not describe a feeling will often describe a layout in great detail, and the stories come out of the layout.

His father

What did your father do for a living, and what did you think of it?
What did he do with his hands?
What did he never talk about?
When did you see him laugh properly?
What did he teach you without saying anything?
Did you ever argue with him, really argue?
What did you decide you would do differently?
What do you understand about him now that you did not at twenty?

Number 11 is the centre of this list. A surprising number of fathers can tell you exactly what their own father kept silent about, and in doing so tell you something about themselves.

His mother and the rest of the family

What is the first thing you picture when you think of your mother?
Who in the family were you closest to as a boy?
Was there a relative everyone had a story about?
What did your family argue about at the table?

Work

What was your first job, and what did it pay?
Who showed you how to do it properly?
What is the hardest physical work you ever did?
Which job are you proudest of, and why that one?
Was there a boss you respected, and one you could not stand?
What did you think about on the drive home?
Was there a moment you could have gone in a completely different direction?
What part of your work would nobody in the family understand?

Work is where many fathers are most fluent. If the other sections stall, start here. A man who says nothing about his feelings may talk for an hour about a job site, a shop floor or a difficult customer, and the feelings are usually in there somewhere.

Love, family and becoming a father

How did you meet Mom, in your version of it?
What did you think when you found out you were going to be a father?
What frightened you about it?
What did you not know how to do, and how did you learn?
Was there a year that was harder than we realised?
What do you think you got right?

What he never talks about

Is there a time in your life you tend to skip over when you tell stories?
What is something you went through that you have never really described to anyone?
Who do you still think about that the rest of us never met?
Was there a moment you were genuinely afraid as an adult?
What do you regret not saying to someone?

These are not for a first conversation. Leave them until a few talks have gone well, and ask one at a time. If a subject is plainly off limits, there is a careful approach in what to do when a relative does not want to talk.

Now

What are you proud of that you never mention?
What do you enjoy now that you did not have time for before?
What has getting older been like, honestly?
What do you hope your grandchildren know about you?
What advice would you give yourself at thirty?
Is there something you have always wanted to tell me?

When your dad answers in one line

This is the main reason people give up, so it is worth being practical about it.

Make the question smaller. “What was your childhood like?” gets “normal.” “What did you have for breakfast before school?” gets porridge, a kitchen, a mother at the stove, and then, quite often, a story. If a question gets one line, it was probably too big.

Ask for a specific example. “Can you think of one time that happened?” turns a general statement into an event. Events are where stories live.

Do something side by side. A lot of fathers talk more easily while doing something else: driving, fixing, fishing, walking. Facing each other across a table with a phone between you can feel like an interview, because it is one. Ask the question in the car.

Let the silence run. After a short answer, do not jump in. Wait five seconds. Very often a second sentence follows, and the second sentence is the real one.

Ask for his expertise, not his feelings. “How did you know that engine was going?” or “How did you deal with a man who would not pay?” invites him to explain, and explaining is comfortable ground.

Accept the one line sometimes. Not every question will land. Write the one line down anyway. “We just got on with it” is a real answer, and in his voice it says a lot.

Recording it, and the paper option

If he does not mind, record on your phone and forget it is there. The guide to recording a family interview on your phone covers placement and settings so you do not lose the good part to wind or a dropped call.

Some fathers will not talk with a recorder running but will write, alone, at their own pace, because nobody is watching. If that sounds like yours, hand him the questions on paper. A plain notebook does the job. If you want something already set out with questions and space to write, the Family Legacy Journal is one option: 58 questions in 8 chapters, 178 pages, $24.99 hardcover or $17.99 paperback on Amazon.com. What matters is that the answers end up in his own words, whatever they are written in.

Pick one question from the work section, the easiest ground, and ask it next time you are in the car together. Then ask “and what happened next?” and see how far it goes.